When two people are experiencing a conflict, discussion and understanding are essential to the resolution of the problem. Many of my patients, whether it be a couple’s dispute or a parent-child conflict, are excellent at expressing their position and exhibit fantastic understanding of their counterpart’s opinion in the matter. Yet, they still have difficulty resolving conflicts. While there can be several underlying reasons associated with the dynamics of their relationship that prevent a satisfying outcome to the problem, there is often a fundamental phenomenon that becomes a primary deterrent in accomplishing resolution. What is missing is an understanding of each other’s unexpressed, underlying, often hidden goal of the conversation. Consider the following conversation.
Wife: “You don’t seem to listen to me when I speak to you. You dismiss me and don’t try to understand how I’m feeling.”
Husband: “I can understand that you would be upset if you feel I am not paying attention when you speak to me. But everyone else tells me that I am such a good listener and I am so understanding.”
The wife’s goal in the conversation is to have her husband meet a need she has in their relationship. However, the husband, despite communicating an understanding of what she is feeling, responds with a statement that defensively attempts to preserve his self-esteem. She is saying “meet my need” while he is saying “I’m not that bad.” The conversation continues, without resolution, because they each keep making statements that try to get their goal met. Neither directly express what their goal is in the conversation. The conversation will go nowhere until they both address and meet each others’ goals. It’s as if she is asking what he wants for dinner and he is responding by telling her he is a good cook.
A recent conversation I had with a 12-year-old boy is another example. In the past, he has had an issue with his mother signing him up for activities and then asking him, after the fact, if he would like to participate. He has continually felt that he was obligated because she already signed him up. When it happened again, he finally agreed to discuss the issue of her signing him up without asking him first. The conversation went like this.
Son: “Mom, why did you sign me up for baseball?”
Mom: “I thought you wanted to play baseball. You played last year and seemed to enjoy it.”
Son: “I do like baseball but I’m playing more lacrosse this year and don’t have the time to do both.”
Mom: “I thought you like baseball also.”
Unless the boy addresses his goal, which is, “Don’t sign me up for things unless you ask me first,” and he doesn’t recognize that his mother is just trying to do something nice for him, the conversation is going nowhere.
Both of these conversations would come to resolution if each party more clearly recognizes and then expresses their goal. The wife has to explicitly express that she has a need not being met by her husband. Her husband has to acknowledge that need, and let her know that he is capable of doing so with others but needs to be better with her. The son needs to explicitly communicate that he wishes his mother wouldn’t sign him up for things without asking him first. His mother needs to introduce activities she thinks he may enjoy and help him make good decisions whether or not to participate.
Usually, hidden goals in conversations are repeating themes that you have in your relationships. They can include control issues, self-esteem issues, need for love or compassion, needing understanding, and needing validation. Unfortunately, we are not always in touch with these on-going goals in our relationships but it would be helpful in conflict resolution if you put some thought into what you are really looking for. Conceptualize it in terms of goals and express them directly and clearly. Also, try to ascertain the hidden goal of the person with whom you are experiencing the conflict.
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (2016), and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (2008).