The Connections Bernards-Ridge Apr 2019

8 Hilltop Road, Mendham, NJ 07945 • 973-543-4720 Fax 973-543-2305 176 Main Street, P.O. Box 336, Peapack, NJ 07977 • 908-234-0590 THOMAS E. DAY President - Manager, NJ License 4037 FUNERAL HOME The CONNECTory www.connectory.theconnectionsnj.com een In %%% $ ! % & ! " # ! # ! " # ! # ! Lately, I have noticed that there are changes in my expec- tations of our Mom. She has always been very sociable and loved to attend 2-3 events in a day, 6-7 in a weekend. Safely liv- ing at Chelsea, she is now much more comfortable staying in than attending activities outside of her home. I began to wonder what makes changes in our par- ents, what cues and clues should we anticipate, and how should we respond appropriate- ly and helpfully? Naturally, all of our parents are individuals, but my sense is that the aging process calls for more of a sense of calm and security than at any other time of their lives. Following direc- tions, which to us may not seem complicated, may be over- whelming. An example is telling our parent that they should be ready to be picked up at a cer- tain time, the destination, to bring their identification, a warm coat and gloves, and the key to their home. At another time in their lives, half of that information would have been intuited, not needing to be said. But now, I imagine, it is all too much to absorb, so the senior tunes it all out. Add memory fears and concerns, and you have a very vacant parent, who is late, doesn't have a coat, identification or key, and may have intestinal issues because of their fears of failure. Needless to say, we don’t want to add to our parents’ stress… just the opposite. And we also do not want our parents to think we don’t care enough to take them out regularly… again, quite the opposite. But it may serve them better if we watch and listen for their cues. An example of that is to ask your parent which would they prefer, dinner in or dinner out? Would they like to accompany you on a long drive, or is it feel- ing overwhelming to them? Confiding in our parents that we do not know how they actually feel, and past history doesn’t mean feelings are the same at this time, may go a long way in providing confidence to our par- ents. Additionally, stating that there will be bathroom breaks if necessary can be very helpful. Regardless of how strong and determined our seniors were at other times in life, they are encumbered with a myriad of challenges, at their most vulner- able time, that are different to them. I am always a proponent of communicating honestly and without fear. At this time in their lives, it may go a long way to offer to truly listen and let your parent know you are not judg- ing, and that you only want to read the cues correctly, and that is something you can all do together! PAYING ATTENTION TO CUES FROM SENIORS By: Ellyn Mantell PAGE 23 www.theconnectionsnj.com Spotlight on Seniors