The Connection Bernards-Ridge Edition Feb/Mar 2019

FEB/MARCH 2019 THE BERNARDS-RIDGE CONNECTION PAGE 19 More than half of the families in the United States were formed by remar- riages or recoupling of relationships. Based on current statistics, half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, and the average length of a marriage is seven years. With the end- ing of marriages, the subsequent remarriages or the forming of new relationships after divorce – particular- ly those remarriages or relationships that integrate children into the new relationship – create certain dynamics that are different from those of prior relationships. First, when blending a family, it is criti- cal to support the children, especially emotionally. It is not unusual for a child to pine for the original family unit, and a child may struggle as he or she adapts to a new stepparent, new stepsibling(s), new neighborhood, and/or new school. It can be over- whelming for a child to digest and process this transition into a new fam- ily unit, and if not done with the best interests of the child in mind, can often lead to emotional outbursts, or inter- nal psychological turmoil, detrimental to the health and welfare of a child. The key to a successful transition is ensuring that the family has the ther- apeutic support it needs, and working with a family therapist can be the key ingredient to successful blending. This process can work if the family, as a unit, remains committed and engaged in the process, without trivializing any member’s needs or expectations. Obtaining therapeutic support even before remarriage or moving in with a significant other is ideal, as it allows ample time to identify and address issues. The need for therapeutic sup- port may continue long-term, howev- er, as complicated issues with the role of the stepparent and stepfamily emerge. Some children respond well and are receptive to active, involved stepparents, and may even become comfortable with discipline from a stepparent. Others may not adapt as easily, especially when a stepparent takes the role of disciplinarian without respecting the boundaries of a child’s comfort zone. In that case, a steppar- ent may need to step back and learn how to be a friendly, supportive adult in the stepchild’s life. The focus should be on trying to establish a bond and connection to the stepchild without trying to replace a biological parent. Children often do not want or need replacements, but rather a unified support system with strength in num- bers. Children tend to thrive when they have loving, connected adults to support them. Therefore, surrounding a child with meaningful adult relation- ships such as these will have a positive effect on a child’s happiness. The recipe for a successfully blended family rests on a generous helping of love, complemented with a dash of patience, a handful of tolerance, and a sprinkle of luck, and topped with an abundance of selflessness. Above all, it is paramount that the adults involved put the child’s needs before their own. In time, a happy, loving, balanced family should be perfected. BLENDED FAMILIES By: Jeralyn L. Lawrence, Esq., Lawrence Law, LLC www.theconnectionsnj.com