The Connection Bridgewater-Somerville Edition Feb/Mar 2019

www.theconnectionsnj.com Disagreements, arguments and con- flicts are certainly a normal, and per- haps, even a necessary part of long- term loving relationships. They are cer- tainly an occurrence experienced by all couples. If a couple says they don’t dis- agree or have arguments, they are either not being truthful or one of the partners is extremely oppressed and controlled. Although neither is healthy, the couple that denies having conflicts is acceptable as long as they realize they do have conflicts but they just want to keep the matter private. The couple that truly doesn’t argue cannot have a healthy relationship with dissatisfaction or depression usually occurring in the oppressed partner. When a couple experiencing unproductive conflicts begins therapy with me I make it clear to them that the goal cannot and should not be to stop their arguments. Growth and problem solving evolve from productive arguments. Since con- flicts are necessary and inevitable, cou- ples must attain a level of what is known as “Conflict Intimacy.” Conflict Intimacy Undoubtedly, you have heard of emo- tional intimacy-and you are certainly familiar with the term sexual intimacy. Both are commonly associated with healthy long term relationships. But couples need to understand that it is equally important to attain healthy con- flict intimacy. Conflict intimacy is the couple’s ability to deal with disagree- ments relating to values, morals, child rearing, money management, relation- ship issues and needs, or any problem solving they encounter in a healthy, pro- ductive manner. Psychologists Steven Solomn and Lorie Teagno define con- flict intimacy as “each partner’s “…abil- ity to both openly and constructively voice his or her hurt, disappointment, anger, and other negative affect as well as to be able to be ‘curious not furious’ in the face of his or her partner’s pain and anger. It is the ability to stay differ- entiated in conflict and to be able to do a good job standing up for one’s self as well as being there for the partner when he or she is in pain and angry.” When a couple is able to reach a healthy level of conflict intimacy, they can actually feel closer after a “fight” instead of harboring unresolved anger. Residual anger chips away at relation- ships. Resolving arguments in a way that each partner feels understood and listened to helps the couple grow through growing pains that are associ- ated with the on-going development of the relationship. In essence, attaining conflict intimacy can facilitate emotion- al and sexual intimacy. Thus, the power of “make-up” sex. Conflict Intimacy Strategies • Focus solely on the issue at hand, making “I” statements regarding how the issue makes you feel. • Prior to explaining or expressing your own thoughts or feelings, it is a good idea to use reflective listening. That is, reframe your partner’s statements keying into how they might be feel- ing as a result of your actions or the issue at hand. For example, “I under- stand how upset you are that I have been working late, and frustrated when I promise you that I will be home early.” • Ask questions to further your under- standing as to what your partner is thinking and feeling. • Try to avoid problem solving until both of you have a thorough under- standing of each other’s thoughts and feelings. This requires good listening skills. • Avoid being defensive or making excuses. Take responsibility for your actions or your position on the matter. • Avoid blaming, hurtful, and attack- ing statements. • Avoid bringing past issues into the present conflict. • Restate the resolution and action plan so both of you understand the result of the conflict. This may also help with not repeating the same conflict throughout your relationship. Understanding how to argue fairly and productively will enhance your conflict intimacy. Imagine how satisfying and closer you and your partner can feel when your conflicts are resolved in a productive, growing manner instead of maintaining anger and resentment? Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist prac- ticing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (2016), and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (2008). DEVELOPING CONFLICT INTIMACY BEYOND COUPLES’ EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL INTIMACY By: Dr. Michael Osit PAGE 22 Health & Wellness