The Connections Bridgewater-Somerville Edition Feb/March 2021

SENIOR LIVING theconnectionsnj.com PAGE 33 Senior Living At Its Best All the conveniences life offers on a Resort Style Life Plan Community 877-758-2115 ways to live an inspired life. A vibrant destination community, with world class amenities and a state-of-the-art health center. We have been welcoming seniors eager to start the next chapter of their lives, without compromising on the high quality lifestyle you are accustomed to. Fellowship Village offers multiple 5- Star dining options, including our new Indoor/Outdoor Tapas Bar and Lounge. A Cultural Arts Center designed to bring you theater, opera, and various forms of live entertainment, all on a vibrant 72 acre campus where you can Live Your Best Life! And Fellowship offers a full continuum of onsite services to give you the peace of mind you can age in place. Offering an abundance of choices! 8000 Fellowship Road Basking Ridge, NJ 07920 FellowshipSeniorLiving.org The “Graying of America” brings so many issues to light. There are legions of us, and for the first time in the history of our country, more will need age-relat- ed services than ever. I have be- come more aware of that during the COVID era, as we are celebrat- ing milestone anniversaries and birthdays via Zoom. And although I cannot speak to how we will re- ceive those services, as individual as they will be, I can speak to the way in which we approach the need, and the potential for finding answers. The one way we will NOT help those in need will be to throw up our hands and decide we sim- ply can’t do better. The issue that is inmymind right now is my concern about Demen- tia and Alzheimer’s Disease, and its effect on the family. The onset of symptoms is often quite slow, and therefore, when the family member is no longer able to continue to function as before, it appears they simply “need to try harder.” “Pay more attention,” I have heard; “You need to care more,” is another common theme, and all of the platitudes that make the afflict- ed person feel not only less than, but of the expectation that this is their fault, and they simply need to do things differently. When a family member began his slippery slope down the hill of Alzheimer’s, he was instructed to “try harder to take better notes on who called.” That may have seemed possible, until we look at what is entailed in “taking better notes.” Let’s examine this supposedly simple task…first the person, who we will call Sam, has to hear the phone, which may be a problem if he has a hearing loss and isn’t wear- ing his hearing aids in the house. This is very common, because Sam, like others, doesn’t want to waste his batteries. Then if Sam does hear the phone, he has to answer appropriately, such as “Hello” loudly enough to stimulate a response at the other end. Many who suffer from Alzhei- mer’s have a lack of affect, or are in a depression, so they may even forget to say hello. Then they have to respond that to the person at the other end, and tell him or her that their wife, for example, isn’t home. Immediately, they then have to be able to pick up paper and pencil and be ready to ask the name of caller, telephone number, and if there a specific message. Already, Sam has lost all of his confidence, feels incapable, and may even feel fearful that he has failed. By the time his wife returns from the super- market, Sam is lost in his feelings of a failure chain. And if he missed one of the digits in the phone number, he is bound to suffer from guilt. There are so many things that had the potential to go wrong in that little scenario, which leads to a failure trap. In reality, Sam is capa- ble of doing many things, but his phone-answering skills may be on a much lower par, than perhaps, his ability to get dressed if his clothes are put out for him. It is obvious to us, of course, that an answering machine should be used, but Sam’s wife wants to keep Sam “involved” in doing tasks in the house, another com- mon theme. What can we do to increase self-worth in a population that has achieved and succeeded in count- less ways? First of all, we must elim- inate the feelings of shame. Shame hurts me so much, because this is a disease or syndrome, and the patient is suffering the shame be- cause they are expected or pushed to do something beyond their ca- pability. We would not expect our children to perform tasks beyond their age, and then shame them when they are unable to succeed, and in some ways, Sam is function- ing with childlike capability. Additionally, the spouse or care- giver must spare their anger at the lack of ability the patient may have, and it will help ameliorate his or her own guilt and disappointment, helping to make your life, and all the “Sams’” lives better. Building Sam’s positive feelings may be a monumental task, and I know how demanding it may be, but there are resources available, and you are up to the task of reach- ing out…do it with an open heart and an appreciation for all of the times when each of you were there for each other! First of all, we must eliminate the feelings of shame. The one way we will NOT help those in need will be to throw up our hands and decide we simply can’t do better. By Ellyn Mantell PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PLEASE!