theconnectionsnj.com PAGE 40 DINING OUT HEALTH & WELLNESS here was a time when I believed boundaries were something only other people possessed, something completely out of reach for me! Boundaries seemed reserved for those who were more confident, more self-assured, less preoccupied with being misunderstood. I admired the women who didn’t answer texts after 10 p.m. simply because they didn’t feel like it, the ones who could say, “I can’t make it,” without attaching a carefully crafted explanation. Between you and I, I hated how much I admired them for that! For someone without boundaries, saying no (or even just being unavailable!) can feel like opening the door to disappointment, conflict, or rejection. When fear shapes your boundaries, it reveals itself in patterns. You respond immediately to every message, even when you’re exhausted, because you don’t want anyone to feel ignored. You agree to plans before checking in with your own energy, then rearrange your schedule so no one is inconvenienced. You stay late at work or answer emails long after hours because logging off feels risky. You absorb other people’s problems when you don’t have the capacity or share more than you should in an effort to preserve closeness. Over time, generosity and self-abandonment start to look alarmingly similar and the line between where you end and someone else begins becomes difficult to see. Often without realizing it, people without boundaries begin to mistake their self-abandonment for having value. Overextending becomes proof of loyalty and exhaustion becomes evidence of commitment. When you’ve built your identity around being the reliable one, the understanding one, the person who can always handle it, the idea of introducing boundaries feels threatening. It can feel like you’re dismantling the very trait that made you lovable in the first place. Recovering from having no boundaries isn’t about a sweeping announcement or a perfectly delivered speech. It begins with noticing. Notice where you feel resentment, the subtle tightness after you’ve said yes again. Pssst…Resentment is often a boundary you didn’t set! Notice where you feel drained, even if the interaction seemed harmless. These are the places where your needs were overlooked. From there, begin smaller than you think you need to. Pause before responding. Let a message sit. Say, “Let me get back to you,” and actually take the time to decide. Practice simple statements without elaborate justification: “I’m not available tonight.” “That doesn’t work for me.” “I need some time.” The real work isn’t just saying it, it’s tolerating the discomfort and fear that follows. It’s allowing someone else to have a reaction without rushing in to manage it and choosing yourself first despite what their reaction might be. When you begin to set boundaries, you may notice people in your life shift. They may feel inconvenienced or realize you’re not as endlessly accommodating as they once believed. You may feel relieved to know that the only people truly unsettled by your boundaries are those who relied on your lack of them. Healthy relationships welcome boundaries: exploitative dynamics depend on access. It turns out, making (and keeping!) boundaries is one of the most romantic things you can do for yourself. You should get excited! You get to choose your standards in advance: when your day ends, what tone you’ll tolerate, who gets access to your time. And when someone pushes against them, you don’t negotiate with your own worth. CAMPERS&CAVIAR Learning the Art of Living Well Setting Boundaries: An Act of Self Love By Serafina Valentine T on your lack of them. Healthy relation margothamel622@gmail.com njomis.com MOST DENTAL PPO INSURANCES ACCEPTED Karl Maloney, D.D.S. Board Certified Oral & Maxillofacial Surgeon • Wisdom Teeth • General Anesthesia • Dental Implants • Bone Grafting Branchburg 3322 Route 22 W, Suite 1207 Branchburg, NJ 08876 (908) 218-0300 Berkeley Heights 261 Springfield Avenue #203 Berkeley Heights, NJ 07922 (908) 464-4664
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