theconnectionsnj.com PAGE 56 DINING OUT HEALTH & WELLNESS Wellness Made Simple Our Services Individualized Counseling Nutrition Plan Session Pantry/Kitchen Home Allergen Detective (Virtual) MRT Food Sensitivity and Intolerance Testing Package Brand + Media Consulting Erica Fand MS, RD, CDN erica@jewelednutrition.com Published Articles: Citykiddies, Enjoy Life Foods Mindbodygreen Packages very relationship inevitably has conflicts or disagreements. Just as certain, everyone makes mistakes or errs from time to time. When I work with couples, I tell them that I cannot prevent either of them from making mistakes, nor can I eliminate arguments. But I can help them be more constructive in resolving their disagreements and when they make a mistake. The first step in conflict resolution is to listen to the complaint and understand exactly what you are being accused of. Once you understand the other person’s perspective you need to respond in a productive manner that promotes resolution. Some people react with an excuse for making an error as if that justifies the behavior. Excuses can be very logical and even convincing, but they in no way resolve the issue or help the other person feel better. Other people offer explanations for their mistake, which sometimes does help to alleviate the person’s negative feeling. Some examples of responses offering excuses and explanations are: “You know I have ADHD so I can’t remember to take the trash out on Tuesdays.” ”I am so depressed, it’s so hard for me to get to the train station on time to pick you up.” “I had to lie to you because you get so upset when I talk about my boss.” “I need my gummies to ease the pressure I feel at work.” So, what is the difference between an excuse for making an error and an explanation for making an error? More importantly, are they productive in conflict resolution? It is a subtle difference between an excuse and an explanation when someone is complaining about your actions. The answer as to which is more helpful lies in the intent of the response. An excuse sends the message that you do not take responsibility for the mistake. It is a way of deflecting from your error avoiding blame and consequently, there is no intention to correct it in the future. This is very unsatisfying for the person complaining. On the other hand, an explanation does clarify the situation and provides an understanding and some accountability for the action. But, alone, it is not sufficient. An apology and a plan that infers responsibility for the error needs to accompany the explanation. Excuses do not lead toward positive resolutions to problems or facilitate change and positive growth. The only thing excuses do is preserve your own self-esteem; whereas explanations, with an acknowledgment of responsibility, an apology, as well as a plan to correct it in the future, will lead toward contentment and resolution. At the very least, accepting responsibility for your mistakes means that you own up to the consequences of your actions. An acknowledgement of what you did and how it affected the other person (along with a commitment to change your behavior without offering excuses or explanations) will lead toward productive resolution and a closer, more trusting relationship. Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (2016), and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (2008) MIND THE MIND “It Wasn’t My Fault” Excuses and Explanations By Dr. Michael Osit E
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