Page 40 - The Connection Warren-Watchung Edition September 2012

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Tie The Knot

Individual & Couples Counseling

• Groups for Men, Women & Couples

Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

• Explore New Ways of Being Together in Partnership

Rediscover & Renew Your Commitment to Each Other

• Addiction & Recovery Counseling

Rediscover the Joy & Spiritual Potential of Your Relationship

Susan & Bill Schoonover

908-755-3203

couplescounselingcenter@gmail.com

couplescounseling-nj.com

Watchung, NJ

A recurring situation that I have experi-

enced as I run the roads of the area, is the

liberty people take to dispose of their

garbage. I think of how unthoughtful and

how disrespectful of others this is. At the

rate I see, it won’t be long before our road-

sides will become junkyards. I then begin to

relate this to relationships and how couples

allow the priority of their partners to fall to

a level of apathy. They then get surprised

when one or the other looks for a connec-

tion outside of the marriage. I am being

careful to not make a distinction of which

member of the relationship feels the disre-

spect or the entitlement. Somehow a

rationale develops that satisfying the need

for a connection with another is okay.

Unfortunately, this often results in an affair.

A junkyard starts to grow and cleaning up

the mess becomes the responsibility of both

people. It is okay for either to expect the

other to participate in rebeautifying the

Let’s begin by assuming (a dangerous

position) that each person wants to heal

the hurts of betrayal. Whatever the circum-

stances, it is necessary for both people to

look honestly at their part in what has hap-

pened. When there are so many reasons for

a lack of connection between husband and

wife, looking for satisfaction from another

source becomes easy. Burying ourselves in

work in order to feel successful, the use of

drugs or alcohol can numb the pain, gam-

bling can stimulate excitement, buying

gives the feeling of fulfillment and so on.

These are some of the ways to fill the void

that occurs from not being appreciated or

not getting reassurance. Appreciation is the

act of noticing and telling each other that

they are important. Reassurance is about

creating safety and letting each other know

that, no matter what, things will be alright.

Betrayal, whether a result of being untruth-

ful or an outright affair, destroys trust that

the vows made were meaningful.

We make our declarations to each other

about being there for anything, at all times

and forever, through thick and thin, sick-

ness and health, etc. Yet, when difficulties

arise we falter. Sometimes an effort is made

to get help or address the issues and suc-

cess is attained. Many times as statistics are

showing, couples quit. They do not keep

the commitment to stay the course.

Looking for what is missing without telling

our partner what we want, withholding

resentments, addictions or just plain taking

the easy way out creates the debris that can

choke off any ability to have a loving rela-

tionship. We forget who will be hurt by our

actions. Our partner, children, parents or

friends all feel the negative impact. Is it not

our responsibility to pass on healthy values

to our children? To be positive role models?

To help them develop the insights to make

good choices? How can that be done when

disrespect, dishonesty, unfaithfulness and/

or apathy is present? We seem to be losing

the importance of Family.

It appears that the need for instant grat-

ification has taken over for learning to be

patient. We do not have to react to every

feeling. We have been blessed with the

ability to think before we take action.

Reaction is needed in times of danger or a

threat to survival. As humans we can deter-

mine what is survival and what is not get-

ting what we want. Entitlement allows us

to be unthoughtful of others, unthoughtful

of our environment, unthoughtful about

our family and unthoughtful of ourselve

s.

We all can be more mindful of actions an

d

our behavior. We can turn things around

.

We can build strong families. We can mak

e

a difference to the world.

By: Susan and Bill Schoonover

“Untruth, in whatever form, no matter

how small or seemingly insignificant,

disconnects us from the transcendent

integrity the universe embodies and

insists upon. Thus when we step out of

truth, we step out of love.”

“That is why integrity-telling the truth,

living up to your words, defining your

personal morality and conducting your

life according to it – is one of the finest

attributes of love.”

“When we live in integrity, we are in

harmony with the highest aspects of the

cosmos. When we lie, cheat, hedge,

fudge, defend, excuse, or rationalize,

we devalue ourselves in the face of the

larger truth of the All. By living our truth

we live in love with the entire universe.”

By Daphne Rose Kingma

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