Our lives are often dictated by the rules we need to follow, and by doing the “right” thing. Rules and appropriate behavior are important in your life as they tend to keep you safe, stable, secure, and healthy – both physically and psychologically. But, as I have repeatedly stated in this column, as
well as in my last book, balance should prevail when it comes to healthiness and happiness. If you are too rigid and you are a strict rule follower, your life is run by too many shoulds, oughts, and
musts. You “should” do this, “ought to do that” and “must” do it are usually messages driven by others. This can be a limiting life experience and, at times, oppressive. You are compelled to always do the right thing, even when it may significantly compromise your own needs or your true identity.
It can also impact your ability to let loose and just have fun. On the other hand, ignoring too many rules and “shoulds” can end up with an excess of negative consequences, or even jail!
There are two types of rules. The first type is expressed rules. Expressed rules are stated as laws, written policies, and clearly established limits and boundaries for your behavior and options.
Examples of expressed rules are road speed limits, paying taxes, and paying for merchandise in a store. The second type is called unwritten rules. Unwritten rules are implied and understood,
despite the fact that there is no manual or explicitly expressed limit or boundary. Whereas expressed rules are consciously and purposefully developed for specific reasons, unwritten rules are determined by culturally normative behavior over time. Examples of unwritten rules are:
• Keep your elbows off the table during meals
• Don’t wear a hat in the office
• Shake hands with someone when you first greet them.
• Face forward when riding in an elevator
• Our children will go to college
I wholeheartedly recommend following expressed rules. Not doing so can have grave social and legal consequences.
However, people often apply the same compliance when it comes to unwritten rules dictated by cultural and family norms. You don’t have much of a choice to follow expressed rules but you do have options with unwritten rules. Following too many unwritten rules can significantly affect your quality of life, alter your life goals, and compromise your true, maybe suppressed, identity. Living the life that is expected of you instead of one that is consistent with who you really are will often result in anxiety and depression. Your happiness will be elusive because of the inconsonance between how you are living your life and how you would like to live it. Following too many optional rules means you may be leading someone else’s life-their expectations for you-instead of the life that is more consistent with your identity. Ironically, not following expressed rules and following too many unwritten rules can both lead to the same thing a form of imprisonment.
Try to identify the unwritten rules and expectations that exist in your life. Next, question them to make sure that they are consistent with your needs, lifestyle, dreams, goals, and identity. If you are a creative, unconventional person living a rigidly structured conventional life, see if you can make some changes to approximate more of what you really want. Avoid maladaptive thinking loops that cause anxiety depression, or prevent you from living the life you want to live. You probably will not be able to make dramatic changes because you do need to consider the effect on people you care
about, but perhaps you can build in some of what you would like in your life to minimize the difference between your “shoulds” and your “wants.”
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Practical Guide to Happiness, Freedom, Self-Fulfillment (09/16) and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (07/08).