A few months ago we lost our nephew to a dreaded disease, very swiftly and with no knowledge of what was to come. Initially, we were told he would be treated and enter into remission, where additional treatment would follow. His life would certainly change, and he would never be cured, but he would be treated as necessary, and we were hopeful. Why wouldn’t we be? He had not been sick, as far as we knew, until that fateful day, and prior to that, had been a healthy 39 years old. There was no reason to question the physicians; they had so much experience with that disease, and we, thankfully, had none.
Adam’s story did not go as expected, and within those three weeks of hospitalization, he was moved from ICU to Oncology, back to ICU and then Palliative Care took over. It was an excruciating time for all of us, and then that part was over. Three weeks of hoping and then the reality…my sister, Michele, and brother-in-law, Ira, lost their only son, their only child, and the pain had only begun.
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Needless to say, our family is not alone in dealing with grief, as we all know! At the hospital each day we saw fear, determination, acceptance, and in some, recovery. Family members hugged, clung to each other, wailed in agony or tried to calm one another. Some fought with each other, probably as they had when they were children, and felt one received more love from a parent, perhaps one who was in ICU. Emotions certainly run high when someone is sick, and the unknown threatens us as little else can.
I tell you this because over these past months of mourning and grieving I have become aware that there is an expectation that a timetable exists, and then it is time to move past the grief. No, this is not spoken, written or discussed, it is simply that we live in a “move on” world. Just look at news cycles and how they grip us for a period of time, and then release us as a new “breaking news flash” appears on our screen. But real-life suffering is not like that, there is no change of focus, no other screen to capture our attention.
The world is not a friendly place when one is suffering. People are involved in their own stories and oftentimes, things are said or done that seem insensitive. I believe it is often the one whose world has been turned upside down by tragedy that must close his or her eyes to the inadvertent hurts, because the energy wasted trying to sensitize others is too great, at a time when there is little left to waste.
My heart fills with sadness and sympathy not only for my sister and brother-in-law (who truly is as close as any brother) but for all of those who suffer loss. I want to envelop them in my arms and protect them from the pain, the anguish and the finality of all of it. But we mere mortals are incapable of such monumental tasks, so we have other ways of support. A kind word, a special hug, a caring token, a written note or a photo of the one lost can all change the direction of what must look like an insurmountably long day or night. We may not have magical powers, but we all have the power to create some magic with our kindness and love.