By Irene C. Lebbad, MSW, LCSW, CIMHP
Losing a loved one reminds us that life can be fleeting and impermanent. Our sadness indicates that we cared about someone who mattered to us. Since grief is deeply personal, there are many different ways that one relates to loss. Some grieve through their expression of feelings. Others grieve through problem-solving, thinking, and activities. Our circumstances in life, coping mechanisms, spiritual beliefs, and resilience all contribute to the outcome.
Four phases of grief and four tasks of mourning have been identified. Everyone moves through them differently. However, we move through the process will be the right way for each of us.
The four phases of grief involve:
1. Numbness- A defense mechanism to get us through emotional turmoil.
2. Yearning- The grieving person longs for the loved one to return.
3. Despair- The grieving person withdraws and disengages from others and the activities previously enjoyed. Apathy sets in.
4. Recovery- The grieving person begins to return to a new state of “normal.” Grief never ends, but thoughts of sadness are replaced by positive memories of the loved one.
Four specific tasks of mourning need to be completed for transition and adaptation to take place. These tasks are:
1. Accepting the reality of the loss- Acceptance that the deceased person is not on vacation and will not return.
2. Work through the pain- Acknowledgement of the pain. Don’t suppress it.
3. Adjust to the new environment- This may require adjusting to roles that the deceased once held in your life.
4. Emotionally relocate the loved one and move on- Find a healthy place in your emotional life for the deceased so that new relationship attachments can form.
Completing these tasks will help the bereaved come to terms with his or her loss and return to a state of normalcy.
Rituals for grieving can also transform mourning from a lonely, isolated experience into one rich in support, connection, and meaning. They are ways to acknowledge grief, transform fear into courage, and despair into hope. Here are some rituals and activities to help on your healing journey:
• Create a book of photos and memories celebrating the loved one’s life. You can then share it with family members.
• Donate a gift of money or time to those less fortunate in memory of your loved one.
• Light a special candle at church, temple, or home with a positive and loving thought to honor the loved one’s spirit.
• Keep a journal of your feelings about loss. Writing can be very cathartic.
• Create a collage with family members that remember the life of the loved one.
• Seek out a bereavement support group or grief counselor.
Remember, grief never ends. It just changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. It is also not a sign of weakness- it is the price of love.
Irene C. Lebbad, MSW, LCSW, CIMHP
Center for Intrapersonal Wellness LLC
2 North Rd, Suite 3
Warren NJ 07059
www.intrapersonalwellnessllc.com