How do you measure your self-worth? Do you perceive yourself as a competent person? Are you successful? We live in a highly competitive society where self-worth is most readily measured by our achievements. Self-esteem and self-worth tend to be highly contingent upon the accumulation of accomplishments – observable, measurable accomplishments. Getting a huge promotion, straight A’s on a report card, scoring 3 goals in a game, and earning first place in a forensics competition are all signs of success and will certainly feed your self-worth and self-esteem.
But we are often neglecting what I consider to be a lack of acknowledgement of some important personal attributes that can enhance your view of yourself. These attributes are personality characteristics and deeds that are not necessarily awarded or rewarded with observable recognition. The fact is that we do not give awards for being sensitive to others, caring for others, giving of time, paying close attention to others’ needs, good sportsmanship, and putting forth maximum effort even if the outcome is not the best.
Self-esteem is built by receiving the “best actress” Academy Award, the Most Valuable Player in Major League Baseball, Valedictorian of the class, or even getting the game ball for the winning hit, or a medal for first place in a 100 meter freestyle swim meet. These are public acknowledgements that validate competence and self-worth.
But what if you do not excel athletically, academically, or in the creative arts? This can result in having a low opinion of oneself, which is actually quite common. Since what we think and believe about ourselves is the basis for how we feel about ourselves, my therapeutic approach is to challenge my patients’ belief system. Sometimes they have misbeliefs or irrational beliefs about themselves. Other times, people with low self-esteem actually have wonderful and valuable strengths that are simply not publically revered. Consequently, these personal characteristics are not identified and do not register into a positive personal schema.
In therapy, there are non-specific aspects in the relationship between the therapist and patient that include perceived interest, attention, and caring by the therapist. When present, these attributes have been found to be as important in determining a positive therapeutic outcome as the actual therapeutic technique used by the therapist.
It occurs in the sports arena as well. In basketball, assists are as important as baskets, in baseball, moving the runner over is as important as hitting him in, in football, it is making a great block allowing the running back to score. The work environment is no different.
An employee that pays attention to details to avoid big mistakes and save company money is as essential as the salesman who makes the huge sale.
The receptionist in a law firm that treats each client as special and important does not directly account for the billable hours, but does make an important contribution to the overall experience of the client. The manager who keeps employees happy so that they remain invested, loyal, and productive is as important as the money that group makes for the company.
Let’s take a look at yourself and others in your life and acknowledge important traits that really make a difference and impact others in a positive way. Let’s look at effort instead of outcome, the way others are treated instead of how attractive they are, give the game ball to sportsmanship, and the award for
“The Most Benevolent.” Taking these traits for granted does not enhance self-esteem and self-worth. Acknowledging them places value on them so that you and others can realize how you positively impact others in a way that lasts a lot longer than receiving the award for “Best Salesman of the Year.”
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (07/08) and The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Freedom, Self-Fulfillment, and Happiness (06/16