What is your reaction when you expect something to happen, and it doesn’t happen? What happens when you expect someone in your life to do something, or be a certain way, and they do not meet your expectation? Unmet expectations can create a myriad of emotions such as disappointment, frustration, sadness, and even anger. If this occurs on a somewhat regular basis, unmet expectations can be a significant source of despair in your life.
Having expectations can be complicated. Expectations are important in that they facilitate self-growth and motivation for self-improvement. On the other hand, expectations can be problematic when they are not realistic or not within your control to have them successfully met. Expectations differ from goals in that attaining goals involves a plan whereas expectations are more in line with a wish. Simplistically, expectations fall into three categories.
- What you expect from yourself
- What you expect from others
- When you expect an event to occur
It doesn’t matter what you expect and from whom you expect it, the rules are the same. And it doesn’t matter if your expectation is for something negative or positive to happen. Expecting something negative to happen helps you prepare for it to either minimize the effects, or help you cope more effectively with them. Positive expectations can enhance your life, improve your relationships, and help you enjoy life. Some people enjoy the process of having an expectation in and of itself. The anticipation is exciting to them. But the key is to manage your expectations so that you don’t end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, sad, or angry.
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Managing Expectations
There are several do’s and don’t when it comes to expectations for yourself, someone else, or for an event to occur. Applying these strategies will help you manage any expectations you might have.
- Be realistic. Having realistic expectations translates into an increased probability that they will be met. To determine how realistic your expectation is, you need to use logical and reasonable thinking about how likely it will occur. But most importantly, recall the history of the expectation in terms of how it turned out in the past. History is the best predictor of the future.
- Don’t assume. Assuming can be presumptuous-especially when you assume someone would want or will do what you think they should, would, or could. It is unfair to others, as well as yourself, when you assume an expectation will be met. To save yourself aggravation and disappointment, always ask questions in advance to eliminate the assumptions.
- Assess control. Determining how much personal control you have as related to your expectation is key. It is more likely that your expectation can be met if you have a lot of control over the variables needing to occur for the expectation to be met. Remember, you cannot control others and you cannot control the weather. However, whatever control you do have, implement a plan with goals.
- Establish goals. As a reminder, expectations are wishes and goals that are focused outcomes involving a plan. So, to meet expectations and eliminate the “wish” aspect of them, establish a realistic goal and develop a stepwise plan to attain it.
- Know when not to expect. If you are realistic, don’t assume, assess the amount of control you have or do not have, but yet cannot devise a stepwise plan to meet your expectation, then abort. It is smart and caring to eliminate expectations that simply cannot be met by yourself or others.
- Take solace in your life. Finally, managing your expectations also involves being okay with what you have. Don’t take what you have going for you for granted. That is not to say you should not have expectations. You need to do both. It is not always getting what you want, it is wanting what you have.
Becoming too attached to your expectations can set you up for a lot of negativity in your life. Managing your expectations properly can enhance your overall happiness and reduce negative feelings you have for yourself and the people you work with and care about.
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (2016), and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (2008).