Family Cohesiveness – Together But Alone
By Dr. Michael Osit
Due to the pandemic, Americans are spending more time at home than ever before. But that does not necessarily mean our families are becoming closer. Much of that increased time at home for parents is now spent working from home, and for kids, on screens. More time at home does not necessarily mean interacting with one another and your children. The New York Times (July 2021) reported that teenagers spent an average of 4 ½ hours per day alone at home pre-pandemic, but that alone time increased to 6 hours per day alone at home in 2020. So, just being home more doesn’t necessarily mean your family is becoming closer and relationships are building
The importance of family for both children and adults can never be underestimated. Family provides a source of safe, trusting, emotional connection that can serve as a foundation for happiness and satisfaction in your life and the life of your children. For adults, the family provides someone to rely on when needed. It provides a sense of belonging to a related group that is bigger than oneself. For children, the family provides a safe place where unconditional love affords them the ability to practice how to have relationships, express anger, love, and an entire array of emotions. For your children, family is a source of nurturance, encouragement, guidance, and a place to develop a moral code and values.
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Passive, non-quality, or even no quality interactions among family members while being together will not promote the kind of family connection you desire. It will not enable the family experience to reach its highest potential for all that it can offer you as a parent, and your children as they grow and develop. It is no secret that screens, i.e. video games, streaming services, social media, texting and internet surfing are a major reason for families being together but alone. And if you are honest with yourself, your children are not the only culprits when it comes to screens. Family cohesiveness needs to be consciously worked on with purpose and frequency at the forefront if you and your children are able to take full advantage of all that belonging to a family offers. The following are suggestions to promote that sense of belonging and family climate that enhances your relationships, as well as provides a platform for healthy interactions outside your family.
- Plan screen-free family activities either in the home or outside the home.
- Have mandatory family meetings at least once a month or more to discuss family issues, rules, activity suggestions, sibling and parent-child relationships, or anything. Make it so that anyone can bring up an issue or topic without judgment or scrutiny.
- Periodically try to spend “special time” with each child individually.
- Despite busy, varying work and activity schedules, make sure family meals are scheduled at least once a week.
- When visiting relatives, make it mandatory that not only your young children go, but that your teenagers must join the family to see family.
- With the great variety of streaming services, plan a movie night that will appeal to all ages.
- Create a family climate of free expression. This does not mean disrespectful communications-rather a climate that is conducive and permissible to discuss any topic without parents being judgmental.
The idea is to, in any and many ways, send the message to your children that family matters and that they have a sense of belonging and value to their family. Remember, despite the possibility of some protest, family will be embedded as an essential part of who they are and who they can always rely on for unconditional love and support.
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (09/16) and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (07/08).