By: Ellyn Mantell
I am lonely today. It is a Saturday, but it could just as easily be a Monday or Wednesday. It is not because I don’t have things to do…I always have things to do. Aside from the routine jobs of life, I love to knit, bead, write, create, but my loneliness hangs on me like a shroud anyway. If I were to share this feeling with my two full-time mothers of two each, working daughters, I assume they would tell me they long for the Saturdays when they will not be driving their children to activities, not doing a huge family food shopping or attempting to take care of their own personal needs, like a haircut. But these years they are living, these demanding times, offer them a sense of productivity I have long lost!
More by Ellyn Mantell, here: https://theconnectionsnj.com/category/slice-of-life/
My need to be productive was always front and center in my younger life. I was a full-time working mother when few were. Being a speech therapist made me an after school activity, and took a great deal of planning (and the assistance of a wonderful lady named Dorothy) so my own children didn’t suffer or miss any of their activities. It meant late dinners, often, long after our girls were tucked into bed, as well as awakening at 5:00 a.m. to run 6 miles every morning. Eventually, through a series of serendipitous events, I became a corporate trainer and worked for Macy’s, traveling regularly. That didn’t last long, since my daughters were suffering from my absence, and I missed the opportunity to see them without always knowing I would be packing my bags and leaving.
When my daughters no longer needed me in their day to day lives, the grains of sand that fill our days continued to fall into place for me. Several job opportunities presented themselves, and my ability to use my interests and abilities eventually led to a career of supporting working women in their need for wardrobes, etc., as well as interior design with my business partner. I thought I would always continue to be productive, have an identity, have a purpose.
That reality, however, is not the case. To the eyes of the world, I am a seventy year-old woman, certainly past her working prime, and I feel adrift on the waters of the future. By today’s standards, I am not elderly, but I am old. I may embrace fun and funky clothing, apply makeup on my aging skin, workout every day to keep my muscles toned and my ligaments and tendons mobile, but I know the realities of life. After all, I have lived through so much of my own! My importance is minimized as I am needed less and less by those I love and adore.
But since I have never been one to give up, I will redefine my future and create my path. And that takes counting my blessings as a start. My first blessing is that my husband and I understand how this time of life impacts us and each other, and that is a gift. Many older couples have a difficult time discussing this period of life, recognizing and expressing their fears of the future. Another blessing is I serve at the Soup Kitchen on a regular basis, and feeding the hungry serves me as much as I serve those in need. The camaraderie I have found with my own kindred spirits awakens the part of me that recognizes that small good deeds really do impact the greater good. And one of my great blessings, and of extreme importance are the two Support Groups I facilitate, which fill me with so much pride and wonder as we navigate through extremely challenging health issues together.
I believe more very important, challenging and fulfilling experiences await me. I am not sure what they will be, and I am not sure what they will look like, but something is coming and these opportunities will offer me that wonderful sense of purpose I so eagerly await. I have no doubt I will recognize them when they present themselves, because for the first time in a long while, the wind will be on my back again.