As I write this article, amidst the pandemic, I am feeling a little cranky, sad, frustrated and anxious, and if I let my mind wander, worried and actually, scared. The world of Corona is frightening and feels a little like a pinball machine, or internet game. Who is next? Where can we hide? How do we protect ourselves and those we dearly love and treasure? And when can I see my daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren, as well as the rest of my family, give them big hugs and enter their homes without concern of exposing them, or ourselves, to the virus?
Once my husband, Bruce, and I made the decision to enter the world outside our home, we promised each other and ourselves that we would take safety more seriously than perhaps ever before. That means wearing our mask correctly, no question. That means washing our hands frequently and using hand sanitizer, no question. That means being mindful of our social distancing, and respectful of others, absolutely, no question. In fact, just as we never questioned which side of the road we drove, how important are seat belts, not texting and driving, we have never questioned the wisdom of obeying the rules of remaining safe during this pandemic.
In reality, I have never been one to question authority. A first-born, I learned quickly that there are rules and expectations that keep us all safe and healthy. I like having rules, and I like obeying them. It removes doubt from my life, gives me a sense of protection, and shores me up when marinating in worry creeps into my mind. Whether my belief is true or false, rules and guidelines seem to give structure to people like me, people who want to do their best, “do the right thing,” and assume others feel the same.
I have embraced my masks. Like many fashionistas, my masks have become a fashion accessory, and my ensembles now always include a coordinated choice. They are in my handbag, my car, rooms in the house if a visitor arrives, and in drawers, so I can find them. Cottage industries have sprung up with the most creative fabrics and designs. Every time I believe I have purchased my last mask, I find another. Perhaps that is my homage to what appears to be the reality that Covid 19 is here for a long time, and masks will be part of our lives, for a long time, as well.
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It is ironic that recently it was National Lipstick Day, and in years past, I would probably not have purchased or even thought about needing yet another lipstick. Truth be told, I dream in colors so vivid, I sometimes awaken myself. So, while other women may simply purchase a red lipstick, mine has to be a red with the perfect undertone of not too blue, not too orange, not too brown, but enough of all, well, you get the point. And I have a million and one red lipsticks, at that. But although nobody but Bruce sees me in my red lipstick these days, I had to buy another, as a statement that there will be a day when our lips will be front and center again. It may be well into the future, but it will happen. Of that, I am most confident.
Here is the greater reality…Covid 19 has taken so much from us, and there is an ache in my heart and overwhelming sadness at the loss of life, business and optimism, socialization, and education we have forever lost. Additionally, with all that I miss, each and every day of the pandemic, I miss letting you know how happy I am to see you, because you cannot see my smile behind my mask, nor can I see yours!
Until we can walk around with confidence we are safe and healthy, here is my message: my eyes crinkle at their corners, and age is making that so much more apparent, but I want you to know that although you cannot see behind my mask, how much it means to be with you, please take me at my word. I am smiling at you, I am sharing this moment in time with you, and we will be able to share our smiles again, face to face.