BY Ellyn Mantell
Perhaps the emotion that can create the most sadness is the feeling of being lonely. Different than being alone, being lonely feels as if there is a part of oneself that is missing, a sense of loss, a sense of floating without a tether. It breaks my heart when I think of the pain loneliness causes. I imagine not simply walking into a room that is empty but walking into a room where there is no connection to anything or anybody.
As many of my readers know, it has been a difficult period for my family and me. We had to say goodbye to my nephew, as well as very close friends, all within a few months. Their deaths came quickly, reminding me that life is fragile and we are vulnerable. We are enculturated to believe that “this, too, shall pass,” and it does. But the aftermath, after the shock, the steady flow of people there for support, is the loneliness … that lack of connection to the person who is gone, all that is left unspoken, the terribly harsh reality.
Some say to leave on a light, a radio or television for sound, and that can certainly help the need for company. Filling the room with life, energy, music, is a positive, creating the feeling others are there with you. But in reality, it isn’t the absence that is felt, I believe, but the presence of the one who is gone, their presence felt in every corner and crevice of the room. It is the inability to reach that loved one that causes the agony.
When I was a college student living in a new city, I felt sad to see someone dining alone in a restaurant. My very active imagination assumed that person was without … nobody to fill their life. I would create scenarios in my mind of star-crossed lovers that had families determining their fate, Romeo and Juliet-style. Or marriages gone bad, anger lurking in the salad and breadsticks on their plate. As I matured, I realized it was my fear that caused such a reaction, such a projection. Loneliness is not being alone. Loneliness is the agony of loss.
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My friend told me recently that reaching out in the middle of the night to simply touch his deceased wife felt like an arrow to his chest…the knowledge she was no longer there. The same action he had performed for decades now brought such pain. Oh, how I agonize for him. There is no acceptance, no understanding that makes it acceptable to be without. Or the reaching of the phone to text or call one’s child and know it will not be met with an answer. How do we move on, move past, move forward?
Needless to say, I have no ability to provide an answer. Mere mortals, all of us, we know of no way to explain loss, loneliness, acceptance. Religion, faith, belief, hope all salve our brittle nerve endings, perhaps propelling us through our days. But the nights seem to be endless when one is suffering, the thoughts putting up a screen between sleep and the harsh reality.
Finding ways to embrace memories, keeping the eternal flame of love alive, celebrating accomplishments, dedicating actions to those we loved and lost may mollify the tearing of the heart. And knowing in our hearts that however, we embrace the memory of the one we mourn, is the right thing. My wish is that will make the loneliness a little less painful, and we will always open our hearts again.