By Ellyn Mantell
With age comes wisdom, I am told. And I would like to believe it to be true. After all, that which disappears with the years must surely be balanced by all that is gained. The wonderful author, Pat Conroy voiced it so well in his novel, Prince of Tides when he spoke of his daughters ripening like peaches as he felt himself withering with the passage of time. Now that my grandchildren are blossoming, I am more generations removed from the bloom of youth. But please do not think I am lamenting or saddened. In fact, I am challenged and excited by the ability to make a difference in this world, and without the ability to grow as I believe I have, I would not be able to accomplish this goal, to truly make the difference I wish to make.
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When we are young and creating our futures, we are always looking forward. “I will soon be out of high school, and then my life will begin.” “I will soon graduate college and get my first real job, and then my life will begin.” “Before long, I will move from this job to another more lucrative, more fulfilling job, and my life will really begin.” And on and on, always looking for life to begin. It is not surprising that we miss the years when we are ripening like peaches because we are caught in the desire to keep moving ahead.
As a woman who has the benefit of looking back, I realize that the difference I thought I would make, took so much of my focus, that I neglected to think about what was around me. I wanted to be a good mom, wife, daughter/daughter-in-law, sister/sister-in-law, friend, Speech Therapist, trainer, be in the best physical shape possible, and the list goes on. What I want now is to support, encourage, love, make life better for others, bask in the glow of relationships. I want to own my ability to do all of this and know that it is the reward for growing emotionally over these years.
I recently read a quote from an unknown source that said,” The purpose of life is to know yourself, and love yourself, and trust yourself and be yourself.” How fortunate for me to have seen something that so succinctly summed up my heart. I have come to know myself. I can acknowledge my attributes and my faults since they are part of the seesaw of life. No sooner have I done something that fills me with pride, then I may do something that has me question my intention. I have learned that is the human condition, and it is better to be aware of both sides of the coin than assume it is others who are at fault. I am able to own the best of myself, and that which needs more growth.
When I was young, I assumed that it was conceit and hubris that would allow someone to love themselves. “Who would say they love themselves?” I thought. “Only someone very high on themselves,” was my mental response. But I have come to understand that loving oneself is necessary in order to love others. We must feel love in order to offer it. We must know ourselves, know we are fulfilled in order to provide for those meaningful to us. It is a gift we give, not just to others, but to ourselves as we build upon the foundation we were given as children.
Trusting ourselves comes from knowing we will make choices that benefit us, and provide the positive emotions that come from these good choices. If we have to wonder if something is right for us, it probably isn’t. Knowing and loving ourselves enough to trust ourselves takes some work, some inner conversation, some self-reliance. The more we practice it, the better we become at it.
Being ourselves is perhaps the gift of growing that continues to give back to us throughout our lives. There is nothing more humbling, and at the same time, more expansive, than being who we truly are, and not who we believe others want us to be. The aging process challenges us to keep up, but in reality, when we are most true to ourselves, our challenge is to know when it is time to let go. There is a great reward in saying, “enough, I will be okay doing it my way.”
The peace I feel knowing the difference I make now is right for me, fills me with promise. I am not chasing what I thought I should do…I am doing what I know I want to do, and that helps me make the greatest difference.