By: Dr. Michael Osit
Imagine you are on the register line at Costco and you blurt out, “Does anyone have a good recommendation for a Podiatrist? Or, you start a friendly conversation with the person in back of you and she complains about her boyfriend or her boss. Would you ever say things to her such as, “You should dump him,” or, “Just tell your boss off?” Would you ever comment on her appearance saying something like, “You look hot in that.” Of course not. Those statements would be inappropriate to say to someone you don’t know well or just met. However, when you are on a different type of line, online with social media, it is highly possible that you do make brazen statements to strangers, or people you hardly know.
There has been a general trend toward “casualness” in our society with boundaries eroding into gray areas or blatantly inappropriate for the level of closeness or familiarity in the relationship. Decades ago, children addressed their parents’ friends as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” Instead of by their first name, as is common practice today. In the last 10-15 years business casual has become the norm in the workplace. And as recently as 5 years ago it was unheard of to have a doctor’s cell phone number whereas it has been increasingly more common for physicians to provide patients with their mobile number.
The curve toward “casual” has transcended into social relationships. The frequent and anywhere-anytime convenience of communicating with real-time and social media friends fosters a climate of familiarity and casualness in communication. However, there is often a mismatch between the level of casual, edgy digitally generated communications not commensurate with the type of relationship. In other words, the nature of the written content can be inconsistent with the level, or lack of, actual closeness in the relationship. Why does this occur? Why do we feel it is okay to make bold statements, very personal comments, offer our opinions regarding the lives of strangers or cyberfriends, or even make sexually suggestive comments to people via social media? The eroded boundary is largely due to two psychological processes that are subtly but gradually occurring.
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The first is called desensitization. Because social media is so embedded in our lives, it is no longer novel. The more we become exposed to something, the more we adjust, adapt, and feel comfortable with it. Think about diving into cold water. Initially, it feels freezing, but as we remain in the water our central nervous system adjusts and adapts and no longer sends “cold” messages to the brain. Once that occurs, the water feels “normal.” The same thing happens with new experiences. Social media and texting are no longer new experiences and we have become desensitized to the point that the familiarity and comfort with them translates into breaking down of boundaries. So, we say things online that we may not normally say in person.
The second psychological process that occurs is called disinhibition. Disinhibition is the loss of the mechanism in your brain that filters and regulates inappropriate behavior and verbalizations. Alcohol dulls this mechanism resulting in disinhibition which is why intoxicated individuals act and say things that they would never do in a sober state.
Cyber disinhibition occurs because of several factors. First, we are desensitized to a casual openness of social media. Second, there is a feeling of anonymity using our web pseudonym-a feeling of being somewhat invisible and not in real life which allows us to dissociate and deviate from our normal identity. Third, there is a time lag between sending a message and receiving a response, or no response at all. Third, there is a lack of any authority or the presence of the target of your message looking over your shoulder. It is a climate of permissiveness. And lastly, people often create an exaggerated or empowered sense of self from being alone for long periods of time.
When you combine desensitization and disinhibition and add accessibility and frequency into the mix, the end result can be a casual and inappropriate cyber-exchange. To avoid embarrassing or irreversible effects of your social media posts you need to do the following before you click “Post.”
- Be pensive-not impulsive
- Think about what you have written in terms of how the recipient and the world will interpret it
- Think about what you have written in terms of how it might make the recipient feel
- Evaluate the post to make sure it matches the nature of your relationship with the recipient
- Proofread and edit
- If there is any question at all, don’t post it. Doubt means don’t.
- Be pensive-not impulsive (I repeated this one for a reason)
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in Warren, and author of The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to Happiness, Freedom, and Self Fulfillment (2016), and Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything (2008).