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A Widow's Secret To A Loving Marriage
By: Ellyn Mantell
As supporters of the Overlook Foundation at Overlook Medical Center in Summit,
Bruce and I had the opportunity to attend a very inspiring and informative pro-
gram recently. The speaker was a beautiful young woman who actually walked
into the Medical Center as we did on a rainy Thursday night, and I recognized her
immediately from her press shot. When I told her we were there to hear her speak,
she looked humbled and pleased, and I could see in her eyes she had something
important to say. It turned out she had several important things to say, and I want
to share a few of them with you.
Dr. Lucy Kalanithi is an Internist and on the staff at Stanford School of Medicine;
and she is the widow of Dr. Paul Kalanithi. He wrote a best-selling book entitled
When Breath Becomes Air
about the process of dying of advanced stage lung
cancer. Paul, as she referred to him, was a fourth-year Resident in Neuro-surgery
when his life turned upside down with this life-ending diagnosis. He survived for
two years, and he shared so much with the reader, and through Lucy, as I will
respectfully refer to her. She is doing the book tour he couldn’t do, and speaking
of what impact the book had on all of their lives, as well as the many who have
or will read it. He may have only lived into his late thirties, but he left a profound
legacy of wisdom in his few years here.
After a brief visual of Paul while he was still able to walk through his daily life, Lucy
read two passages from his book, espousing his philosophies and thoughts. Then,
Dr. Sophie Morse, a young Oncologist from the Cancer Center at Overlook
Medical Center, sat with her on the stage, two chairs facing each other, as friends
would sit. Dr. Morse asked questions that were at once incredibly simple, and yet
so difficult to answer. One of the questions that hit me hard addressed the fact
that in a family where there are two doctors spending so much time on their
careers, how did they create a happy marriage. Without skipping a beat, Lucy said
they learned to “give each other the benefit of the doubt!” How simple...how
profound! Incredible to me was yes, that is so true. In order to gain one’s love and
support, one must offer the same, and instead of focusing on what is missing, or
errant, focusing on what effort was put out. Not challenging, not expecting per-
fection, accepting that regardless of how differently we may want something to
be, this is the way it is, goes a long way to actually giving someone the benefit of
the doubt, and to not assume we know better. My feeling is that is the issue at
the center of so many relationships. It is key to acknowledge that we are not each
other’s judge and jury, but rather that building what is positive and fulfilling, is best
for the partnership.
Dr. Lucy Kalanithi also told us that her husband gave up his suffering when he
internalized that the “non-acceptance” of pain (perhaps the anger one feels at
pain and loss) is what causes the suffering. He used his time to work until he could
no longer; they chose to have a child, a little girl, who was 8 months old when he
died. He implored his loved ones to help support his wife through her pregnancy
and after, so she could continue to care for and support him. His circle of family
and friends was ever more important as time went on. She also spoke of the
incredible importance of the caregiver at such a vulnerable time, and that it is
incumbent upon the medical community to partner with the family for the best
possible outcome. Provide honesty, yes, but kindness and understanding, as well.
Lastly, Dr. Morse asked Dr. Lucy Kalanithi if her husband had an answer to the
question, what makes life meaningful? Yes, yes, he did. She explained that he felt
quite certain after all he had endured, loved, gained and lost, the struggle to find
the meaning of life, is in actuality, that which is meaningful! And I suppose for
each and every one of us, the journey to discovering that meaning will be unique,
special, beautiful, passionate, enduring, fulfilling, satisfying or still searching...even
if it is too short, and too hard to say goodbye.
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