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As parents, there are many traits you
want to develop in your children so they
can emerge into happy, successfully func-
tioning adults. Some of these traits are:
• Kindness
• Altruism
• Work Ethic
• Humility
• Social Mindedness
• Self-esteem
• Respect
Although certainly not an exhaustive list,
these traits speak to character develop-
ment and high self-esteem. Good par-
ents actively work on these traits on a
regular basis. Resilience is another trait
that is less often identified or discussed.
Teaching children resilience helps them
cope with mistakes they will invariably
make, being victimized by others and sit-
uations they find themselves in, and if
they experience a traumatic event. Chil-
dren and adults need to learn how to be
resilient in their ability to cope with life’s
mayhem.
What is Resilience?
Resilience is the ability to successfully
adapt to adversity, stressful situations, or
traumas. No one is immune from family
problems, financial and work stresses,
relationship issues, or medical problems.
We all need to be resilient in order to use
effective coping mechanisms to deal
with life’s curveballs. Resilience is not a
genetically determined trait. It is learned
behavior involving thoughts and actions
that enable people to bounce back, or
even better yet, improve their situation
as a direct result of experiencing unpleas-
ant experiences.
Building Resilience
There are several fundamental skills that
can be actively worked on in order to
help build resilient children. Some are
cognitively based and others are behav-
iorally implemented. The following is a
list of strategies that can build resilience.
Perspective
When someone is in the throes of a trau-
matic or stressful event, it is often viewed
in a magnified and more serious manner
than it is in reality. The problem is viewed
as overwhelming and insurmountable.
Helping your child put the issue into per-
spective puts them in a mindset of
empowerment and ability to cope with
and get past it. Challenging the “It’s the
end of the world” and “My life is
ruined” line of thought creates intensely
negative feelings that can immobilize
your child and prevent resilience. Helping
them put the event in perspective will
enable them to keep their emotions
under control facilitating implementation
of a plan to cope.
Promote Positive Relationships
Having positive family and peer relation-
ships not only promotes resilience in chil-
dren, but it also helps with self-esteem,
motivation, and overall happiness in life.
Resilience is related to positive relation-
ships because children feel support and
connectedness when going through
stressful times. Developing positive rela-
tionships for your child provides a sup-
port system for advice, strategizing, and
emotional support.
Make A Plan
The adage, “When it gets tough, the
tough get going” applies to developing
resilience in your children. Teaching your
children to make specific and decisive
plans to overcome adversity is a critical
step in developing resilience. Doing
nothing except cowering, complaining,
and indulging their victim role will only
maintain the problem and prevent the
bounce-back you want in your child. The
situation will remain status quo if you
just try to wish it away. Teach them to
establish a goal, and then outline a spe-
cific plan to attain that goal. It is impor-
tant that your child understands another
adage which is, “A goal, without a plan,
is not a goal-it’s a wish.” They have to
make things happen, not just hope and
wish for them to change.
Maintain A Positive Outlook
Hopeful, positive thinking will help your
child focus on positive outcomes instead
of dwelling in the misery of the situation
and worst case scenario fears. Optimism
should not be confused with magical or
wishful thinking. The distinction lies in the
fact that there is a tangible plan being
implemented to overcome the problem.
Reinforcing these strategies is best
employed at a time when your child is
faced with adversity or stress. Sharing
similar situations that you have encoun-
tered in your life, or theirs, will also help
them realize that they can be resilient.
The ability to carry out specific plans,
maintain a positive perspective, and the
capacity to channel intense feelings into
positive actions will develop resilience.
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in
Warren, and author of
The Train Keeps Leaving Without
Me: A Practical Guide to Freedom, Self-Fulfillment, and
Happiness
(2016) and
Generation Text: Raising Well
Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything
(2008).
BUILDING RESILIENCE
IN CHILDREN
By: Dr. Michael Osit
PAGE 44