The Connection Warren-Watchung Edition June/July/August 2016

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www.theconnectionsnj.com Haymaker & Haymaker Psychological Services, LLC AD/HD, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Marriage and Family, Underachievement Problems in Relationships Providing care for adults, families, children and adolescents for over 20 years. Stephanie Haymaker, Ph.D. NJ Lic Psychologist, SI 2794 Douglas Haymaker, Ph.D. NJ Lic Psychologist, SI 2793 For More Information, Please Call or See our Websites: www.DrStephanieHaymaker.com NJ Psychologist Lic 2794 www.DrDougHaymaker.com NJ Psychologist Lic 2793 245 Route 22, Suite 305, Bridgewater, NJ 908-429-9300 Douglas Haymaker, Ph.D Stephanie Haymaker, Ph.D It is summertime and the living i s easy. At least that is what the song says. Many people are surprised to learn that couples often begin couples therapy in the summer. There are a lot of reasons for this. Summertime is a time of change and transition. Children get out of school and move to summer schedules. Decisions need to be made about vacations and time with the extend- ed family. For some, there is much more togetherness. Sometimes cou- ples find that the intimacy that they hope for is lacking. Sometimes the implicit “marital contract,” the set of expectations that each person brings to the marriage about life, turns out to be at odds with their partner’s. Vacation plans, parenting styles, time management and extended family loyalties can all become grist for the summertime mill. Summer is also a time of moving on. Families sometimes move, new peo- ple move in next door or old friends move away, children go off to camp or to college, and there are endings and new beginnings. Couples may handle these transitions in different ways. They may have expectations about how their partner can help them through a difficult time. But these expectations are not always clear. How couples understand their own desires and those of their part- ner, is one of the central issues often addressed in couples counseling. Despite knowing someone well, or perhaps because of it, couples some- times “fill in the blanks.” They jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying. Sometimes this is because of well-worn ground within the marriage, where some argu- ments become almost ritualized in the back and forth between the part- ners. Fine-tuning problem solving skills can be a helpful outcome from the therapy process. Couples are drawn towards the familiar. There is an innate tendency to attempt to create a family envi- ronment much like the one in which we grew up. There is a certain “right” way of doing things, which often comes down to doing a thing the way our parents did it. But differ- ent families do things in different ways. It’s said that marriage is a join- ing of two cultures. Sometimes, these cultures clash. Sometimes this pattern takes place without us even realizing it. At some point in a mar- riage, the question often comes up, “who is this person?” Therapy helps couples to understand these feelings and identify healthy patterns as the partnership evolves over time. One goal for therapy may be improv- ing effective communication styles. Sometimes an impartial outsider can help untangle the knots in a relation- ship which are too overwhelming for the couple themselves. Sometimes, partners need help discussing their assumptions, hopes, and dreams about their marriage and their fami- ly. Couples can also learn to fight productively, to stay on topic, and to compromise without resentment. Relationships do not need to be in distress to benefit from couples ther- apy. In fact, many people choose to pursue sessions to strengthen an already healthy foundation. They may wish to tackle a single trouble- some issue, or prepare as a team for a future transition. We invest in many things that are important to us. Perhaps this summer is the time to make an investment in your marriage and in the furture. Dr. Stephanie Haymaker is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience. She is presently a partner at Haymaker and Haymaker Psychological Services, a private practice setting where your confidentiality is assured, in Bridgewater, NJ. For eight years she was a clinical supervisor at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of NJ, specializing in the treatment of eating disorders. The co- author of Principled Commitment, a guide for marital enrichment, she also specializes in the areas of marital therapy, women’s issues, and therapy with children and adolescents. ! ! ! ! +, $ ! ! ( *%)#'(&#(''' " $ ! $ $ # * ( ! ! ! & ! $ ( ! ! ' ! # ) ! & ! ( $ # &( % ' " % $ ! ! & )

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