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THE WARREN-WATCHUNG CONNECTION
SEPT/OCT/NOV 2016
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FRANK’S
Do You Love Me? By: Ellyn Mantell “Sunrise, Sunset”…”Matchmaker, Matchmaker”…”Tradition!” Our entire group walked out singing after seeing the revised production of FIDDLER ON THE ROOF on Broadway…they are truly wonderful songs that speak to feel- ings we universally share. We relate to Tevya’s strong sense of Tradition guid- ing him and his community. We relate to a sense there is a Matchmaker some- where to help us find our destined partner (the poor family marries their daughter to a butcher so she will always have meat.) And all who are parents relate to the wonder of how “swiftly fly the years!” Countless tears of aware- ness are shed about the passage of time by parents and grandparents at chil- dren’s milestones. But the song that most formidably resonated with me was when Tevya asks Golda, his wife, of 25 years “Do You Love Me?” I felt my heart flutter, because it is filled with adoration for not only my loving husband, Bruce, but for the life we have created, the love we have that has grown and continues to grow over the years. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don't say “I love you” to him, all of my family, and frequently, my friends. Nobody ever has to ask, “do you love me?” Although Golda might think it strange that Tevya asks her this very important question at that moment, she responds that “for 25 years she washed his clothes, cooked his meals, cared for his daughters.” To her, these are obvious expressions of her love. And in the late 19th century, when dwelling in a small community, where people rarely left or where an independent thought might cost one his/her life, or at the very least, exile, who would stop to wonder about love? In fact, as Tina Turner so spiritedly asked, “what's love got to do with it?” There were far more important logistical concerns than to focus on the luxury of love. How fortunate am I that my life truly does afford me the luxury of love and loving? And not that I have ever taken it for granted, but as I age, I am ever more mindful of the richness of a life layered with this glorious emotion. As a college student, I remember learning that according to Dr. Sigmund Freud, who many credit as the father of psychotherapy, “in order for a person to be truly happy and mentally healthy, one must have something or someone to love,” rather than to have others love us. This was counter-intuitive at that time in my life, when I was struggling to feel that I was loved; upon more and more understanding and reflection, I realized that one must first learn for themselves the intrinsic feelings of love in order to recognize them in others. Perhaps if Dr. Freud was involved, Tevya would have asked himself, more importantly, if, in fact, he loved Golda? The other thing I learned from Dr. Freud is that there is no one way to feel love. And it can come at us from all directions. The more open we are to it, the more omnipresent it appears. Our ability to love and be loved is, I believe, a vast reservoir, filled over and over again. The love Bruce and I have is so different from the love I have for our daughters and all of our family. My friends fill my vast container with love I could never have thought possible, especially as I age. Like a sand sculpture in a jar, these are all the layers of an incredible emo- tion I am blessed to recognize. Lastly, what I have learned from Dr. Freud is that there is no perfect love. My parents didn’t love me perfectly, and I am certain I didn’t love my children perfectly. And the same is true of romantic love and friendship. But knowing love/loving is not a game of perfect, liberates us to just be in it, just be in the moment, just give and take, just feel love and feel what it is to be loved. That warmth that may surround you could be your own happiness… www.theconnectionsnj.com