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Follow Us On Twitter www.Twitter.com/connectionsnj 903-1799 www.theconnectionsnj.com www.theconnectionsnj.com YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND THE HOLIDAYS The holidays may be a time of joy and family celebrations, but for many fami- lies, holidays can also be a time of stress and challenge. Couples who have been struggling through the year in their rela- tionship, and even those who are usual- ly enjoying home life together, may experience a greater sense of tension between them. With all the hectic activ- ities that go on during this season, it is important to find time to connect and enjoy each other. Conflicts that have been brewing all year may bubble to the surface. For some families, holiday preparation and traditions mean much more together- ness. Sometimes couples find that the intimacy that they hope for is lacking. Sometimes the “marital contract,” the set of expectations that each person brings to the marriage about married life, is at odds with their partner’s. Budgeting concerns, parenting styles, time management and extended-family obligations can all become daunting topics of discussion. Some of the most common topics couples fight about are chores, money, how to rear children and the level of involvement with in- laws. All of these issues come to the fore in the holiday season. Recent transitions may become more apparent or painful during the holidays. New babies, kids moving to and from college, and loves one lost in the near or distant past are all part of the ebb and flow of life. Losses can be hard to cope with any time of the year, but at the holidays may feel especially over- whelming. Couples may handle these changes in different ways. They may have expectations about how their partner should help them through a dif- ficult time. But these expectations are not always clear. Some people react by pulling away, others by becoming argu- mentative. Being able to ask for what you want from your partner, and what you can give to them, can prevent many misunderstandings. How couples understand their own needs and those of their partner, is one of the central issues often addressed in couples counseling. Despite knowing someone well, or perhaps because of it, couples sometimes “fill in the blanks.” They jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying. Fine-tuning communication and problem solving skills can be a helpful outcome from the therapy process. Couples are drawn towards the familiar. There is an innate tendency to attempt to create a family environment much like the one in which we grew up. There is a certain “right” way of doing things, which often comes down to doing something the way our parents did it. But different families do things in different ways. It’s said that marriage is a joining of two cultures. Sometimes, these cultures clash. Sometimes this pattern takes place without our even realizing it. At some point in a marriage, the question often comes up, “who is this person?” Therapy helps couples to understand these feelings and identify healthy patterns as the partnership evolves over time. One goal for therapy may be improving effective communication styles. Some- times an impartial outsider can help untangle the knots in a relationship which are too overwhelming for the couple themselves. Sometimes, part- ners need help discussing their assump- tions, goals, and dreams about their marriage and their family. Couples can also learn to fight productively, to stay on topic, and to compromise without resentment. Relationships do not need to be in dis- tress to benefit from couples therapy. In fact, many people choose to pursue sessions to strengthen an already healthy foundation. They may wish to tackle a single troublesome issue, or prepare as a team for a future transi- tion. We make holiday preparations for many things that are important to us. Perhaps now the time to discuss some plans to make family life better for the coming year. Dr. Douglas Haymaker is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 20 years of clinical experience. He is presently a partner at Hay- maker and Haymaker Psychological Services, a private practice setting where your confi- dentiality is assured, in Bridgewater, NJ. He attended college at Brown University and graduate school at the University of Florida in Gainesville, FL. Areas of specialization include relationship issues, coping with transitions such as loss and divorce, and the assessment and treatment of AD/HD, anxiety, depression and PTSD. He also performs psychological, neuropsychological and educational evaluations. Douglas Haymaker, Ph.D Stephanie Haymaker, Ph.D Sophia Chadda, D.D.S. 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