62 / 96
www.theconnectionsnj.com
Health and Wellness
PAGE 62
908-975-3256 mobile 908-723-3539 Hypnosis and Coaching are powerful tools for positive change. Support & Practical Skills for Better Stress Management If stress is ruining your Life & Health it’s time to change your strategy. Stress Management, Hypnosis & Coaching can help you do just that. Marianne Hove , Certified Coach & Hypnotherapist Award Winning Stress Management Consultant. Coachmebacktobalance.com theconnectionsnj.com Somewhere in the magazine is a “Spot It” and send your answer with your name, town & phone number to: spotthefake@theconnectionsnj.com Subject Line: FAKE 908-505-CARE (2273) www.lastminutechildservices.com LAST MINUTE CARE & SERVICES, LLC DBA ELDER AND CHILD CARE CONNECTIONS For all your care dilemmas Fully Insured Child Care Services • Baby Sitting • Child Care • Chaperone to Activities • Sick Day Care • Snow Day Care • Mother’s Helpers • Help with Bus Schedule • Early Morning Help • Errands Senior Services (Non-Medical) • Doctors’ Appointments • Companionship • Cognitive Stimulation • Grocery Shopping Pet Care MAYBE WE ARE HELPING OUR KIDS TOO MUCH By: Dr. Michael Osit Recently, I was having dinner in a restau- rant with a young couple and their 2 children, ages 6 and 9. The waitress comes to the table to take our order. She addresses each adult at the table and then turns to the children to ask for their order. The mom quickly interjects and orders for both children. The wait- ress asks, “Do you want french fries or potato chips with your chicken fin- gers?” Again, the mom responds for her son indicating that he wants french fries. When the food arrives, the dad immediately starts cutting up the chick- en fingers into smaller pieces for his son. The 6 year old ordered macaroni and cheese. She took a taste and said it was too hot. Her mom took the dish and started blowing on it to cool it down. Seems like a typical dinner out for a nice young family. The parents were helpful and attentive to their children, attune to their needs, and willing to meet their needs. The family talked and laughed during dinner. There were a lot of posi- tive interactions. But I see a subtle prob- lem which is emblematic of an issue I experience with increasingly more fre- quency. I observe it in our parenting cul- ture as well as in many of our schools. In an effort to foster positive self esteem and avoid penalizing children who have weaknesses or disabilities, parents, and sometimes schools, can go too far to assist and provide accommo- dations, waivers, and exceptions. I see this as a problem because over com- pensating and over accommodating can easily create dependency and a lack of accountability in our children. Of course, we need to foster self esteem in children. And by all means, we need to accommodate for disabilities and weak- nesses in children so they are not penal- ized for a disability or something that they have no control over. But, in many cases, the pendulum has swung too far creating codependent, enabling rela- tionships. A double disability develops with the first being the actual physical, psychological, or learning disability, and the second evolving with the child’s expectation that they do not need to challenge the disability, become more independent, or have accountability for not meeting the requirements. I had a 12 year old once say to his mother in my office, “You can’t punish me, it was my ADHD that caused it.” He had snuck his iPad into his room one Sunday morning before church and was caught playing it that afternoon. Perhaps his impulsivity associated with his ADHD did cause him to take the iPad against house rules, however, he had plenty of time to evaluate and make a good judg- ment as to whether or not he should play it or return it. I once had an extremely anxious parent of a 9 year old sending her son off to sleep away camp for the first time because she knew the counselors would not wipe him after his bowel movements. True story. Of course, he went and took care of his own bathroom needs independently because he now had to. I admit that it is often a fine line that we walk between enabling and helping. But it is important that you evaluate how much independence you are fos- tering in your child to promote healthy development. Returning to the family dinner I witnessed, both children were totally capable of ordering, cutting, and cooling their own food. If one had a physical handicap or extremely poor fine motor skills it would be acceptable to provide help. Parents often make excuses for their child, probably out of love, empathy, or even guilt. Schools sometimes over accommodate or fail to hold students accountable out of genuine care for the child, empathy, or sometimes underesti- mating the child’s capabilities. It is important to challenge our kids in a real- istic way so that they learn to compen- sate or improve their disability. We need to help kids when they genuinely need it and have them accept responsibility for their actions when they need to. I will be the first to go to bat for a patient with a parent or school who refuses to provide appropriate accom- modations and exceptions for a young- ster with a disability. I will also be the first to challenge the child and hold him or her accountable when deemed appropriate. Dr. Osit is a psychologist and author of “Generation Text: Raising Well Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything.” He practices in Warren, NJ and can be contacted at Dr.Michael.Osit@gmail.com.