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PHOTOTAINMENT
Do You Love Me?
By: Ellyn Mantell
“Sunrise, Sunset”…”Matchmaker, Matchmaker”…”Tradition!” Our entire
group walked out singing after seeing the revised production of
FIDDLER ON
THE ROOF
on Broadway…they are truly wonderful songs that speak to feel-
ings we universally share. We relate to Tevya’s strong sense of Tradition guid-
ing him and his community. We relate to a sense there is a Matchmaker some-
where to help us find our destined partner (the poor family marries their
daughter to a butcher so she will always have meat.) And all who are parents
relate to the wonder of how “swiftly fly the years!” Countless tears of aware-
ness are shed about the passage of time by parents and grandparents at chil-
dren’s milestones. But the song that most formidably resonated with me was
when Tevya asks Golda, his wife, of 25 years “Do You Love Me?” I felt my
heart flutter, because it is filled with adoration for not only my loving husband,
Bruce, but for the life we have created, the love we have that has grown and
continues to grow over the years. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don't
say “I love you” to him, all of my family, and frequently, my friends. Nobody
ever has to ask, “do you love me?”
Although Golda might think it strange that Tevya asks her this very important
question at that moment, she responds that “for 25 years she washed his
clothes, cooked his meals, cared for his daughters.” To her, these are obvious
expressions of her love. And in the late 19th century, when dwelling in a small
community, where people rarely left or where an independent thought might
cost one his/her life, or at the very least, exile, who would stop to wonder
about love? In fact, as Tina Turner so spiritedly asked, “what's love got to do
with it?” There were far more important logistical concerns than to focus on
the luxury of love.
How fortunate am I that my life truly does afford me the luxury of love and
loving? And not that I have ever taken it for granted, but as I age, I am ever
more mindful of the richness of a life layered with this glorious emotion. As a
college student, I remember learning that according to Dr. Sigmund Freud,
who many credit as the father of psychotherapy, “in order for a person to be
truly happy and mentally healthy, one must have something or someone to
love,” rather than to have others love us. This was counter-intuitive at that
time in my life, when I was struggling to feel that I was loved; upon more and
more understanding and reflection, I realized that one must first learn for
themselves the intrinsic feelings of love in order to recognize them in others.
Perhaps if Dr. Freud was involved, Tevya would have asked himself, more
importantly, if, in fact, he loved Golda?
The other thing I learned from Dr. Freud is that there is no one way to feel love.
And it can come at us from all directions. The more open we are to it, the more
omnipresent it appears. Our ability to love and be loved is, I believe, a vast
reservoir, filled over and over again. The love Bruce and I have is so different
from the love I have for our daughters and all of our family. My friends fill my
vast container with love I could never have thought possible, especially as I
age. Like a sand sculpture in a jar, these are all the layers of an incredible emo-
tion I am blessed to recognize.
Lastly, what I have learned from Dr. Freud is that there is no perfect love.
My parents didn’t love me perfectly, and I am certain I didn’t love my children
perfectly. And the same is true of romantic love and friendship. But knowing
love/loving is not a game of perfect, liberates us to just be in it, just be in the
moment, just give and take, just feel love and feel what it is to be loved. That
warmth that may surround you could be your own happiness…
The CONNECTory
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Tie The Knot
