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THE BRIDGEWATER-SOMERVILLE CONNECTION
SEPT/OCT/NOV 2017
Spectacular Fur Trimmed Cashmere, Angora, Wool, Alpaca Shawls, Wraps, Capes and Vests Furs by Guarino, Inc. 190 US Highway 22 • Green Brook, NJ 08812 • 732-968-8700 www.fursbyguarino.com Monday-Saturday 10-5:30 • Thursday 10-7 • Sunday 12-5 (starting 10/8) Furs - Leathers - Shearling - Cloth - Accessories Only at Guarino’s! Pre-Season Prices for a Limited Time Only! A Widow's Secret To A Loving Marriage By: Ellyn Mantell As supporters of the Overlook Foundation at Overlook Medical Center in Summit, Bruce and I had the opportunity to attend a very inspiring and informative pro- gram recently. The speaker was a beautiful young woman who actually walked into the Medical Center as we did on a rainy Thursday night, and I recognized her immediately from her press shot. When I told her we were there to hear her speak, she looked humbled and pleased, and I could see in her eyes she had something important to say. It turned out she had several important things to say, and I want to share a few of them with you. Dr. Lucy Kalanithi is an Internist and on the staff at Stanford School of Medicine; and she is the widow of Dr. Paul Kalanithi. He wrote a best-selling book entitled When Breath Becomes Air about the process of dying of advanced stage lung cancer. Paul, as she referred to him, was a fourth-year Resident in Neuro-surgery when his life turned upside down with this life-ending diagnosis. He survived for two years, and he shared so much with the reader, and through Lucy, as I will respectfully refer to her. She is doing the book tour he couldn’t do, and speaking of what impact the book had on all of their lives, as well as the many who have or will read it. He may have only lived into his late thirties, but he left a profound legacy of wisdom in his few years here. After a brief visual of Paul while he was still able to walk through his daily life, Lucy read two passages from his book, espousing his philosophies and thoughts. Then, Dr. Sophie Morse, a young Oncologist from the Cancer Center at Overlook Medical Center, sat with her on the stage, two chairs facing each other, as friends would sit. Dr. Morse asked questions that were at once incredibly simple, and yet so difficult to answer. One of the questions that hit me hard addressed the fact that in a family where there are two doctors spending so much time on their careers, how did they create a happy marriage. Without skipping a beat, Lucy said they learned to “give each other the benefit of the doubt!” How simple...how profound! Incredible to me was yes, that is so true. In order to gain one’s love and support, one must offer the same, and instead of focusing on what is missing, or errant, focusing on what effort was put out. Not challenging, not expecting per- fection, accepting that regardless of how differently we may want something to be, this is the way it is, goes a long way to actually giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and to not assume we know better. My feeling is that is the issue at the center of so many relationships. It is key to acknowledge that we are not each other’s judge and jury, but rather that building what is positive and fulfilling, is best for the partnership. Dr. Lucy Kalanithi also told us that her husband gave up his suffering when he internalized that the “non-acceptance” of pain (perhaps the anger one feels at pain and loss) is what causes the suffering. He used his time to work until he could no longer; they chose to have a child, a little girl, who was 8 months old when he died. He implored his loved ones to help support his wife through her pregnancy and after, so she could continue to care for and support him. His circle of family and friends was ever more important as time went on. She also spoke of the incredible importance of the caregiver at such a vulnerable time, and that it is incumbent upon the medical community to partner with the family for the best possible outcome. Provide honesty, yes, but kindness and understanding, as well. Lastly, Dr. Morse asked Dr. Lucy Kalanithi if her husband had an answer to the question, what makes life meaningful? Yes, yes, he did. She explained that he felt quite certain after all he had endured, loved, gained and lost, the struggle to find the meaning of life, is in actuality, that which is meaningful! And I suppose for each and every one of us, the journey to discovering that meaning will be unique, special, beautiful, passionate, enduring, fulfilling, satisfying or still searching...even if it is too short, and too hard to say goodbye. Tee-rrific Golf Center 3091 Route 22 East • Branchburg 908-253-9300 Follow us on @teerrificgc www.tee-rrificgolfcenter.com Miniature Golf 9am - 8pm Every Day! OPEN ALL YEAR ROUND! RAIN OR SHINE Driving Range Simulator Rooms We Change Grips One Day Turnaround www.theconnectionsnj.com