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SUMMERTIME NOTES Douglas Haymaker, Ph.D Stephanie Haymaker, Ph.D It is summertime and the living is easy. At least that is what the song says. Many people are surprised to learn that couples often begin cou- ples therapy in the summer. There are a lot of reasons for this. Summertime is a time of change and transition. Children get out of school and move to summer schedules. Decisions need to be made about vacations and time with the extend- ed family. For some, there is much more togetherness. Sometimes cou- ples find that the intimacy that they hope for is lacking. Sometimes the implicit “marital contract,” the set of expectations that each person brings to the marriage about life, turns out to be at odds with their partner’s. Vacation plans, parenting styles, time management and extended family loyalties can all become grist for the summertime mill. Summer is also a time of moving on. Families sometimes move, new peo- ple move in next door or old friends move away, children go off to camp or to college, and there are endings and new beginnings. Couples may handle these transitions in different ways. They may have expectations about how their partner can help them through a difficult time. But these expectations are not always clear. How couples understand their own desires and those of their part- ner, is one of the central issues often addressed in couples counseling. Despite knowing someone well, or perhaps because of it, couples some- times “fill in the blanks.” They jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying. Sometimes this is because of well-worn ground within the marriage, where some argu- ments become almost ritualized in the back and forth between the part- ners. Fine-tuning problem solving skills can be a helpful outcome from the therapy process. Couples are drawn towards the familiar. There is an innate tendency to attempt to create a family envi- ronment much like the one in which we grew up. There is a certain “right” way of doing things, which often comes down to doing a thing the way our parents did it. But differ- ent families do things in different ways. It’s said that marriage is a join- ing of two cultures. Sometimes, these cultures clash. Sometimes this pattern takes place without our even realizing it. At some point in a mar- riage, the question often comes up, “who is this person?” Therapy helps to understand these feelings and identify healthy patterns as a part- nership evolves over time. One goal for therapy may be improv- ing effective communication styles. Sometimes an impartial outsider can help untangle the knots in a relation- ship which are too overwhelming for the couple themselves. Sometimes, partners need help discussing their assumptions, hopes, and dreams about their marriage and their fami- ly. Couples can also learn to fight productively, to stay on topic, and to compromise without resentment. Relationships do not need to be in distress to benefit from couples ther- apy. In fact, many people choose to pursue sessions to strengthen an already healthy foundation. They may wish to tackle a single trouble- some issue, or prepare as a team for a future transition. We invest in many things that are important to us. Perhaps this summer is the time to make an investment in your mar- riage, too. Dr. Stephanie Haymaker is a licensed clini- cal psychologist with over 20 years of expe- rience. She is presently a partner at Hay- maker and Haymaker Psychological Servic- es, a private practice setting where your confidentiality is assured, in Bridgewater NJ. For eight years she was a clinical super- visor at the University of Medicine and Den- tistry of NJ, specializing in the treatment of eating disorders. The co-author of Princi- pled Commitment, a guide for marital enrichment, she also specializes in the areas of marital therapy, women’s issues, and therapy with children and adolescents. Sophia Chadda, D.D.S. Periodontics, Including Dental Implants DIPLOMATE, AMERICAN BOARD OF PERIODONTOLOGY Diplomate, American Board of Periodontology Assistant Professor of Periodontics, RSDM PERIODONTICS, INCLUDING DENTAL IMPLANTS • Specialized treatment of gum/ periodontal disease • Prevention • Dental Implants • Cosmetic gum treatment • Laser treatment • Regenerative treatment 41 Stonehouse Road Basking Ridge, NJ 07920 908-626-0333 Visit us at: www.drsophiachadda.com OFFICE HOURS BY APPOINTMENT New Jersey Specialty Permit Number 5246 at “Dr. Sophia Chadda ”