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Health and Wellness
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• Individual & Couples Counseling • Groups for Men, Women & Couples • Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills • Explore New Ways of Being Together in Partnership • Rediscover & Renew Your Commitment to Each Other • Addiction & Recovery Counseling • Rediscover the Joy & Spiritual Potential of Your Relationship Susan & Bill Schoonover 908-755-3203 email: couplescounselingcenter@gmail.com website: couplescounseling-nj.com Watchung, NJ A phenomenon that we do no t consider when at t empting to talk with our partner abo u t our wants, needs or com p laints. Our brains are w ired f o r survival. At one time in evoluti o n, that was man’s p riority , it is s t ill w i th us. I t is no wonder that when w e are conf r onted w ith a conflic t ing op i nion or are b eing blamed, shamed or criticized, that we become defensive. It is an inherent reac- tion . We can lear n to transfor m our behav- ior. In a committed and cons c ious relation- ship, we c a n create an e n vironment of safe- ty. A first step is to be mindful of staying in the present. A llowing the anxiety of the future or the mistakes of the past to influ- ence current issues can and will escalate and cause a discon n ect. The issues of aban- donment, rejection, avoidance etc. are experienced as threatening and a r e action is the first behavior to surface. This trig- gered event can c o me in many ways: the volume of our voice, a disrespectful word or two, a physi c al motion, rolling of the eyes, a heavy breath, and other negative experi- ences from our past. One skill that can b e learned in order to better your relationship is to become a very good listener. Most of us have focused on expressing our nee d s or w ants and have come to believ e that if these are satisfied all will be well. I have noticed at times, t hat I have beco m e de m andin g and forceful in my attempt to be sat i sfied. I also fail to con- sider my sense of entit l ement. This approach ha s been a set up for failure. I m u st realize that Suzy may not be available to answer my demand in a timely manner or to the level I desire. Many times, my reaction has been to sulk or become agitat- ed. On the other side, Suzy gets to feel incompetent or inadequate. A double whammy that results in frustration in both of us. Can you identify with some of this? There is a bright side to takin g responsibili- ty for your part in any situation. It starts by letting each other know you are on t h eir side . You are willing to listen with an open heart. You a re willing to make t hem feel safe and that you want to understand their point of view. Just sitting with each other and allowin g yourself to share what is happening in that moment is a way to practice b e ing in the moment. Listening to each other and just reflecting back what you are hearing is an o ther exercise to let each other know you recommitted to healing your relation- ship. Not having the pressure to f i x some- thing or problem solve opens the heart and mind to deeper compassion and under- standing. Adding a positive intention to your dialogue is another way of avoiding ineffective communication. A dialogue is a way to explore what is not known as opposed to conversation which is talking about the known. We are hoping to convey the message: you are in a loving relation- ship that needs to be honored. We include the whole family when we talk a b out rela- tionship. We are all deserving of kindness a nd respect. W e injur e ourselves as much a s the other when using unkind words or thoughts of others. A suggestion: for the next 30 days, sit face to face and be still. After a few min- utes, o ne person shares what they are think- ing, feeling or experiencing in that mome n t. The other sim p ly mirrors back what they heard then switch. Total time is about 10 minutes. Also, give each other a n apprecia- tion once a day. Try it, you may like it. REACTIVIT Y - A C TION WITHOUT T HOUGHT By: Susan and Bill Schoonover “It has been well sa i d to understand all is to forgive all. I f you really understand each o ther, you would see them as wounded and not blameworthy, and your irritation would instantly cease. The next thing you know you will be treatin g them with love. 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