59 / 76
www.theconnectionsnj.com
WHAT WILL IT TAKE
TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?
By: Dr. Michael Osit
What does it take to be happy? Happiness is one
of our ultimate goals in life. Yet, I see people all
around, in my personal life and patients in my
office, who are just not happy. We often get
caught up in our fast paced, complex lives, keep-
ing happiness a distant, elusive goal instead of
something we experience. People seem to be
looking for something that is either missing or
they just don’t know what it is that will make
them happy. Many people actually know what
will make them happy yet they have no idea how
to go about making it happen.
Life Doesn’t Have To Be Terrible
Malia, a 37-year-old woman, began therapy with
me because she had the aching feeling that
something was missing in her life. As I got to
know and understand her, the initial feeling she
presented was guilt. Malia was married, had two
children and lived in an affluent town. She
described her marriage as relatively happy. She
and her husband had some marital problems 3
or 4 years prior to her seeing me but her hus-
band made major changes. Still, she wasn’t
happy. Malia had the typical complaints about
her two children including some sibling rivalry,
homework battles from time to time, and having
to ask them to clean their rooms 5 times until
she had to yell and threaten punishment. That
probably sounds sort of familiar to you. Malia
was a full time homemaker and her family was
financially secure. She had a limited social life
because she felt very out of place in the upper
middle class community in which she lived. Her
own background included a similar socio-eco-
nomic status, but she grew up in Texas. She
found it difficult to relate to the values and cul-
ture of the New York metropolitan suburban
stay-at-home mom. College educated with a
degree in marketing and public relations, Malia
initially identified feeling intellectually unfulfilled
as being the piece that was missing in her life. As
we explored her thoughts and feelings about
this issue, it became apparent that renewing her
career path that was purposefully shut down
when she started having children was not the
only issue. In fact, it wasn’t even the real issue.
All was good in Malia’s life yet she felt a sem-
blance of unhappiness. All was good but it just
wasn’t good enough. Comparing herself to less
fortunate or overtly dysfunctional people in her
life made her feel guilty for complaining. For
years, she accepted her unhappiness because of
that very fact. But, life doesn’t have to be that
terrible. And it doesn’t have to be that average.
Your life doesn’t have to be mediocre, or boring,
or less than what you fantasize it to be. Regard-
less of your specific situation there are things you
can do to rectify the problem areas in your life,
and improve the overall quality of your life.
Whoa Is Me! It’s A Pity Party
If you think you are a victim, never catching a
break, it is time to stop the pity party and start to
take control of your life. Maybe you are a victim.
Or, could it be that you just make bad decisions
and you create scenarios where the outcome
tends to be a negative consequence for you?
There is also a possibility that you view yourself
as a victim as a defense mechanism. Seeing your-
self as a victim and never catching a break can be
a means of protection against really bad feelings.
If you are the victim, you don’t have to change.
Change means you must confront your feelings
and your actions to see the connection to the
negative outcomes you tend to experience in
your life. That may be a bit too difficult and emo-
tionally threatening to your self-esteem. So, you
become the victim both by not seeing your
responsibility in creating bad situations and by
feeling too emotionally tenuous to face the fact
that you need to make changes.
Taking Charge Of Your Own Life
For you to achieve trio-happiness, freedom, and
self-fulfillment in your life, you must take charge
of your own life. When I was doing my clinical
training I had a wonderful mentor. He told me
that he could see that I was very passionate
about helping people and that I was going to be
very successful as a psychologist. He felt the
need to caution me saying, “Make sure you run
your practice and do not let the practice run
you.” Are you running your life or is your life
running you?
A core concept for your happiness is making sure
you are taking charge of your life. So that the
train doesn’t leave without you, you need to be
taking action, changing behavior patterns, and
being proactive to head off problems. A com-
mon theme with patients is that they often feel
trapped in their lives. That there is no way out
with no options. Rarely, if ever, are there no
options. Trapped is only a state of mind and is
usually not a reality. Yes, sometimes the options
aren’t great options but, nevertheless, they can
“untrap” you.
The Formula For Success
There are numerous subtle and significant
changes you can make in your life to overcome
problems, cope with stress, improve your present
life, or simply promote self-growth. This book is
the accumulation of the thousands of therapy
sessions I have had with thousands of patients. I
have found that there are certain common
themes that apply to everyone’s lives that can
improve and enrich this one chance you have at
making it all worthwhile. Anyone can benefit
from my experience and everyone can better
themselves using the formula I purpose in the
subsequent chapters.
I have identified the essential dimensions of daily
living that are required to obtain happiness, free-
dom, and self-fulfillment. Remember, you need
the trio-the 3 dimensions for matter to be solid –
length, width, and height. If you are missing one
of these dimensions it cannot be solid. With the
number “3” applied to each of these critical
areas of an individual’s life there will always be 3
factors to address in order to acquire success in
each area of your life. The total picture will help
you navigate through life with less effort, less
stress, and more happiness. Remember… you
deserve to be happy. Mahatma Gandhi said that,
“Happiness is when what you think, what you
say, and what you do are in harmony.” May I be
so bold as to add one more piece to Gandhi’s
definition of happiness? It is also what you feel.
Like Malia, even if your thinking, doing, and say-
ing are in harmony, if you don’t feel it, then
something is missing or wrong. Collectively, each
chapter in this book helps you make sure to fill
in the gaps and solve the problems in your life.
Dr. Michael Osit is a Licensed Psychologist practicing in
Warren, and author of
Generation Text: Raising Well
Adjusted Kids In An Age Of Instant Everything
(07/08)
and
The Train Keeps Leaving Without Me: A Guide to
Freedom, Self Fulfillment, and Happiness
(06/16)
Health and Wellness
PAGE 59